i.am.who.i.am,accept.that!

I’m lost right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. Only thing i can think of is sit here and blog it out. Really i’ve got so much inside and if i don’t let them out, i think it’ll burst soon.

1st:

Blady Internet connection is not working. I’m typing this on word pad so i can copy and paste it later because i just can’t wait any longer to let all these negativity out. It’s not good for ya health ya? I seriously wanna throw dis laptop down from my attic, let ‘em smash into pieces!!!!! BUT it’s not the poor laptop’s fault. So… *inhales* it’s OKAYYYY…….

2nd:

Tomorrow I’m sitting for Biology paper1..mind you, it’s not just ordinary test. It’s the FREAKING STPM. What in the world was i thinking when i agreed to go thru stpm? I really am outta my mind. Well, guess it’s not worth regretting now. All i can do is watch my year and half whoosh down "the bowl".. if u know what i mean. 

I know I know, you people out there will tell me to go study. But FYI, i live in a very active home.. my youngest sis(Elle) is watching animax now blasting the TV stereo, and Pris(middle child) is lost in her own weird out of this planet world. My parents are out now go pak tor dunno somewhere in klang, so i can’t sleep till either both monkeys are asleep or they come back. I’m so loving my life right now..

And finally Haha to me, i think this is the worst. My bf let me down again. 2days ago once, today again. It seems he really doesn’t get it.. Sometimes i don’t wanna listen to his reasons because it hurts. I was pissed at him 2 days ago and wanted to blog it out but it wasn’t that bad yet. But today.. really i just can’t take it anymore.

Just don’t understand why he likes to disappoint me. Why does he give me empty promises. I feel as though he’s taking advantage of me. That really hurts me even though I’m trying to tell myself he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just cz he’s clueless and too jaded. Haih.. I hate his "don’t care, tidak apa, anything lah" attitude. I know he’ll be a better person if he just lose that attitude.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t get it. Is only me, or all guys are the same? May be it’s jz my bf being too clueless. I really wonder whether are there any guys out there who knows more???? Trust me, It’s jz my bf. Cz I’ve seen guys who are sweet and romantic and very "sek chou" (means like,knows what to do la…) Haih i don’t wanna compare but why can’t he have at least 10% of that. That’s how clueless he it. Not that he want to but his actions makes me feel as if he doesn’t care..

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that i don’t love him. I love him dearly..so much that i just told him that i wanna take a break from our relationship. A BREAK!! not BREAK-UP.. guess I’m just not ready to give it all up yet. Because we’ve been through so much, but i don’t know how much longer i can hold on..

The things he says and does really hurts me at times and he doesn’t know it. He just thinks he never done anything wrong. Few days ago he accused me of not giving him enough space, and telling me sometimes he needs a break from me. As in getting into arguments, he said i should just forget them, and just be happy. I really wish i can do that. But sorry I’m not that kind. If i get mad, it’s not minor. IT"S MAJOR!!

Anyways I’ve explained everything to him. About how i feel and stuff.. He didn’t hv anything to say. I caught him there.. So he apologized and said he’ll be more considerate and blah blah blah.. The point is i trusted him again, and we patched thing up.

Today, again…somethings just never change. Why did i believe? Just to get hurt again? He promised me, and when it’s time to redeem that promise he told me he doesn’t have the mood.. "I’m sorry k girl, there wont be a next time". Yeah, Damn right. That’s all you good at saying. Too Bad I’ll make sure there won’t be a next time cz its gonna take a while for me to trust you again; i replied. "i don’t know what to reply, it was my mistake" he smsed. Fine i don’t know what to say as well so i didn’t reply.

So he called me finally,(I’m the last thing on his mind-its true) and said " i wanted to feed dotty and honey(cute puppies i adopted for him) but there’s no more dog food." HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I was laughing my head off in my heart. That’s all he can say.. I told him i don’t feel like talking to him. Because all i feel now is disappointment and. what do u call those feeling where u just don’t know what to do anymore? I can’t find the word for it. I also told him i wanna take a break from him. Let things cool down.And (i didn’t tell him this) if i can make myself believe that we can still work thing out, well get back together and try to make it better. He said if that’s what i want ok, told me to call him when i feel like talking to him.

He asked me "so does this means i can’t call you??" At that moment, his cluelessness really pissed me off so i told him we shouldn’t see or call each other for some time. He tried to explain to me but i told him i don’t wanna hear them cz I’m really sick of them. I’m not worried about him at all, cz i know even though if we really do break up, he’ll be able to get on fine. He can move on fast. I know, I’ve experienced it.

Till now i feel like giving up. I told him that before i hung up. And it’s true. I on the edge, and yet I’m gonna let go of his hand soon. I don’t know what to do. Well, actually i do know. But it’s tearing me up inside to think that i really have to do that. I really hope, he just snap out of his daze and do something to gain back my trust and convince me he’s not as clueless as he used to be…