i.am.who.i.am,accept.that!

I’m lost right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. Only thing i can think of is sit here and blog it out. Really i’ve got so much inside and if i don’t let them out, i think it’ll burst soon.

1st:

Blady Internet connection is not working. I’m typing this on word pad so i can copy and paste it later because i just can’t wait any longer to let all these negativity out. It’s not good for ya health ya? I seriously wanna throw dis laptop down from my attic, let ‘em smash into pieces!!!!! BUT it’s not the poor laptop’s fault. So… *inhales* it’s OKAYYYY…….

2nd:

Tomorrow I’m sitting for Biology paper1..mind you, it’s not just ordinary test. It’s the FREAKING STPM. What in the world was i thinking when i agreed to go thru stpm? I really am outta my mind. Well, guess it’s not worth regretting now. All i can do is watch my year and half whoosh down "the bowl".. if u know what i mean. 

I know I know, you people out there will tell me to go study. But FYI, i live in a very active home.. my youngest sis(Elle) is watching animax now blasting the TV stereo, and Pris(middle child) is lost in her own weird out of this planet world. My parents are out now go pak tor dunno somewhere in klang, so i can’t sleep till either both monkeys are asleep or they come back. I’m so loving my life right now..

And finally Haha to me, i think this is the worst. My bf let me down again. 2days ago once, today again. It seems he really doesn’t get it.. Sometimes i don’t wanna listen to his reasons because it hurts. I was pissed at him 2 days ago and wanted to blog it out but it wasn’t that bad yet. But today.. really i just can’t take it anymore.

Just don’t understand why he likes to disappoint me. Why does he give me empty promises. I feel as though he’s taking advantage of me. That really hurts me even though I’m trying to tell myself he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just cz he’s clueless and too jaded. Haih.. I hate his "don’t care, tidak apa, anything lah" attitude. I know he’ll be a better person if he just lose that attitude.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t get it. Is only me, or all guys are the same? May be it’s jz my bf being too clueless. I really wonder whether are there any guys out there who knows more???? Trust me, It’s jz my bf. Cz I’ve seen guys who are sweet and romantic and very "sek chou" (means like,knows what to do la…) Haih i don’t wanna compare but why can’t he have at least 10% of that. That’s how clueless he it. Not that he want to but his actions makes me feel as if he doesn’t care..

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that i don’t love him. I love him dearly..so much that i just told him that i wanna take a break from our relationship. A BREAK!! not BREAK-UP.. guess I’m just not ready to give it all up yet. Because we’ve been through so much, but i don’t know how much longer i can hold on..

The things he says and does really hurts me at times and he doesn’t know it. He just thinks he never done anything wrong. Few days ago he accused me of not giving him enough space, and telling me sometimes he needs a break from me. As in getting into arguments, he said i should just forget them, and just be happy. I really wish i can do that. But sorry I’m not that kind. If i get mad, it’s not minor. IT"S MAJOR!!

Anyways I’ve explained everything to him. About how i feel and stuff.. He didn’t hv anything to say. I caught him there.. So he apologized and said he’ll be more considerate and blah blah blah.. The point is i trusted him again, and we patched thing up.

Today, again…somethings just never change. Why did i believe? Just to get hurt again? He promised me, and when it’s time to redeem that promise he told me he doesn’t have the mood.. "I’m sorry k girl, there wont be a next time". Yeah, Damn right. That’s all you good at saying. Too Bad I’ll make sure there won’t be a next time cz its gonna take a while for me to trust you again; i replied. "i don’t know what to reply, it was my mistake" he smsed. Fine i don’t know what to say as well so i didn’t reply.

So he called me finally,(I’m the last thing on his mind-its true) and said " i wanted to feed dotty and honey(cute puppies i adopted for him) but there’s no more dog food." HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I was laughing my head off in my heart. That’s all he can say.. I told him i don’t feel like talking to him. Because all i feel now is disappointment and. what do u call those feeling where u just don’t know what to do anymore? I can’t find the word for it. I also told him i wanna take a break from him. Let things cool down.And (i didn’t tell him this) if i can make myself believe that we can still work thing out, well get back together and try to make it better. He said if that’s what i want ok, told me to call him when i feel like talking to him.

He asked me "so does this means i can’t call you??" At that moment, his cluelessness really pissed me off so i told him we shouldn’t see or call each other for some time. He tried to explain to me but i told him i don’t wanna hear them cz I’m really sick of them. I’m not worried about him at all, cz i know even though if we really do break up, he’ll be able to get on fine. He can move on fast. I know, I’ve experienced it.

Till now i feel like giving up. I told him that before i hung up. And it’s true. I on the edge, and yet I’m gonna let go of his hand soon. I don’t know what to do. Well, actually i do know. But it’s tearing me up inside to think that i really have to do that. I really hope, he just snap out of his daze and do something to gain back my trust and convince me he’s not as clueless as he used to be…

yo yo yo..

long time no blog…sorry but was busy eversince i got bk from penang.whew..hmm,first there was the genting trip.it was a blast..we had fun although it’s jz a few of us.still i had loads of fun..huhuhu..dun hv pics tho cz didn’t bring my dcam..sorry.

then there’s christmas..its ok but not that great.poor sis couldn’t hv the party she wanted.serve her right for procrastinating..but being such a good sis,i still went to celebrate with her in nando’s.yummy..foooooodddd….

ok next,erm..new year.man that sucked..why cz i gotta go to ipoh to celebrate grandmum’s 90th burffy.not that i mind..but being in ipoh on new years eve?stuck with drunk mad relatives who are w-a-y older than me,ahh..believe me those scene are really not nice to see.its pretty funny tho watch them being stupid for once..*smirking*

when i came bk,,school started.there,it’s confirmed that the nigthmare of stpm has begun.luckily there’s fly in my class..haha she got sent over.thank you whatsitsname for havin mercy on me.or i’ll prolly wont last the whole yr cz i’ll be shrunken in my seat out of boredom..thx fly for always waking me up when i fall alseep.

well,school’s not that bad..drove to school on friday cz planned to go piramid with ong and rom.so afta school,crashed into aina’s hub and woke her(it was one then..such a pig ryt?)waited for her to get ready den it’s off to sri aman to pick my really pissed sis..afta that,flew to piramid.nothing much la then….jz do sm boring ol stuff..

oh g2g for now.got2 eat dinner.hungry…….but lazy to chew…….hmm,i wonder if there’s more ppl like me..haha..well continue wen i get bk okies…ttyl

jeez…what a life i lead.

ok,lets see..wat happened when im in penang.

it’s alway been shopping,eating and shopping again with my mum and aunts.not to mention babysitting the kids.so one fine friday evening(10th dec 05,1750)i fetched 3kids in a proton iswara 2go for a movie.headint towards gurney plaza where i booked 5tix for the movie "chronicles of narnia".at 1800,i got involved in an accident.in front of my eldest aunt’s hs,right in front of her eye.

a motorcyclist hit my uncle’s car(which im driving) from behind and needed operation.because his kneecap shattered.wow?na-uh i dun tinks so..i was gonna cut into the emergency lane to pick my aunt up.turn on my signal light,checked the mirrors and saw the biker quite a distance behind.i knew i had time to cut in.when i did,BANG!!!the car jerked throwin the kids and myself forward.i suffered a huge bump on my head but luckily dat was all.the kids were safe,jz shocked.i quickly turned to look behind only to see 2 legs stickin up in the air..i froze and stopped in the emergency lane.

i got down from the car,and found the biker sitting on the roadside..near the pavement.with help from another man,we manage to pull him on2 the pavement.his leg were bleeding..from his toe.i knew that wasn’t serious till he told me that he couldn’t move his right leg,i quickly called the ambulance.he accused me for not turning my signal light on but i had a witnesses.my aunt and the man saw me turn on the light but i guess he speed up thinking he could cut me..

i was freaked out.1st,its not my car.2nd this car has no licence plate no and "P" sticker.3rd,my mom and youngest aunt is away for retreat.hmm oh and im in penang.4th,the kids are in the car goin crazy playing with the windows…i was jz blank.finally i knew that i have to get a "p" sticker and make the licence plate no quick cz i need to do a police report.anyways done dat straight after the stupid ambulance came..which took approx. 35 mins.if it were a serious accident,think someone’s probably dead*touchwood*.

i was still shaken from the incident,so my aunt drove us to gurney where we watched the 2120 show.i didn’t really have the mood though..jz had to bring the kids.after dat,my uncle and i went to police station to do a report while my mum took the kids from gurney.i got hellofva skinning from mom..oh well,to her i’m jz a stupid,blur,no use dumbass..haha..watever.

i know its not my fault.but u know..that kinda feeling where someone is hurt and ur involved..it’s not guilt,sympathy i guess.supposedly the bike man pay for the damage caused to my uncle’s car(so my uncle said).but i don’t think that’s a good idea considering he landed himself in the hospital and hv bills to pay.not to mention the damage on his bike.then my mum said that i were to pay for the damage.fine then,guess there goes all my savings so far.

anyways,the only thing making me happy is the trip im planning to genting with my fwens..i really could use a "holiday" free from parents and kids.i don’t mind but i’ve got alot on my mind lately.been thinking so much till i cant sleep.nowaday i sleep only around 4 or 5..usually its 230 or 3.but im tired.so gonna crash now.nite nitez..hope all of u guys are safe out there..

***PENANG DRIVERS ARE SUCKY,RUDE AND IMPATIENT!!!BEWARE!!!!!!***

what the hell..im so super darn bored.flipping out of my mind b o r e d.ish,,wat happen to my life?actually im suppose to be dead from listening to my sister’s horrible singing but i decided to stand strong and come up with a list of thing i want to do when im back to business.hehe..won’t tell ya what it is!!

anyways,do you peeps believe in fortune tellers?erm,,tarot card,palm reading,face reading,feet reading(got such thing a?)numerology,astrology,feng shui and etc,etc,etc…cz dat day i went to see a tarot card reader wif my aunt.so got her to read my fortune jz for fun (mind you its 50 bucks per session-cut throat man) and amazingly she got my present pretty accurate.well,i kinda thought maybe my aunt told her stuff bout me..but who knows?she mite be good…

why i say that?cz on the same day my darling went with me to the ft(fortuneteller) as well and for the same reason as me,he also got his fortune read..well,my aunt don’t exactly know much bout him still she’s quite good.according to darling,she’s jz lucky.maybe yes,maybe no..once again who knows?hehe…

anyways,wat she said bout me wasn’t that good.i know my life ain’t that great but hey,i’m trying to make the best out of it..and worst thing is,she said that me and darling will end nx year and he’s gona have a new gf after me.OUCH!!that really hurts cz it really took me alot of effort and time to learn to love and fall in love again after the sam incident.i really don’t wanna go thru the same thing again.i don’t think i’ll have the strength to stand up the next time i fall.cz now i’m in love,with a guy,,whom i can share my innermost secrets,and jz be myself and still he’ll love me.can’t lose another person i love so much again.

so no matter what the ft says,i’m gonna listen to my heart and jz go with the flow.darling says that i shouldn’t listen to the ft cz the future is in our own hands..guess he’s right bout that.i’ll jz hope my trust in you  darling will not be wasted in vain.i really cannot stand the same pain again..but if it’s meant to be,its meant to be.if its not,then jz let it be.i love you Gary,my baby,my love.

just for fun,i’ve got something extra!!hehe..

Heart Like a Wheel

Some say the heart is just like a wheel,

When you bend it you can’t mend it,

And my love for you is like a sinking ship,

And my heart is on that ship out on mid-ocean.

They say that death is a tragedy,

Comes once then it’s over,

But my one only wish is for that deep dark abyss,

For what’s the use of living with no true lover?

And it’s only love,and it’s only love,

That can break a human being,

and turn him inside out.

When harm is done,no love can be won,

I know it happens frequently,

What i can’t understand,

Oh please God,hold my hand is

Why it should’ve happened to me?

And it’s only love,and it’s only love,

That can break a human being,

and turn him inside out.

That can break a human being,

and turn him inside out..

It’s hard to find love,harder to fall in love and hardest to fall out of love.don’t you agree?you ARE in trouble when you’re in love,but yet why are there so many people seeking for it?because…being in love is priceless.no money can buy the love from another person..it is only for you and the person you belong to.cherish the moment,and memory always even if things didn’t turn out right.that’s what i did and will do in future..so,i’m gonna hang on to my love for darling and hope we really do belong together.till then,peace out!

ps: forgive me for the sentimental crap ok..i’ma bit outta my mind now cz my brain was fried due to over boringness…haha..nitez!!

im back.the reason im here is cz of Oz..YOU asked me to update it or else i’ll be so lazy too.but its ok..i’m bored anyways.i feel so empty today,like there’s something missing.something still undone..there’s a huge empty space in my heart..waiting to be filled again.not very happy today but ITS OK!guess it’ll take time to get use to it.betcha ppl dunno what shit im tokin bout..i oso dunno.jz feel lyk whining..can a?

well i was listenin to d player and i heard this song by atomic kitten-whole again.think it describes best how im feeling now..

If you seen me walking down the street
Staring at the sky
And draggin’ my two feet
You just pass me by
It still makes me cry
But you can make me whole again

Baby you’re the one
You still turn me on
You can make me whole again

yup..i feel empty.so make me whole again.

i shall wait.